what i [haven't] been up to - a Q & A
Q: you usually suck ass at updating your site monthly, but this is the worst you've ever been. take down yellow hell! what gives? - jc
Q: your site sucks less than usual. that russel is a dweeb, but he's way "kewler" than you. - justin
Q: ur site sucks - joey
Q: what the fuck? it's been like eight months since your last update (not counting that russel crap...and you're wrong about pantera, btw). - chris
Q: can you please update your site already? i need something new to line the birds' cage with. thanks in advance. - lance
A: thank you for your concern and sorry for the delay. you want to know what i've been doing? i've been reading cosmopolitan. i didn't think i could sink to a new low, but now i know anything is possible. talk about a fucking waste of time. it seemed harmless enough at first. i used to buy it to read on the plane every once in a while and then when i saw i could get the first 90 days free and earn 200 mypoints i was bitten by the cosmo bug.
there are lots of things i have learned to dislike about cosmo, but if i had to narrow it down to one shining representative of what is wrong with the mag (and thus wrong with me), i most definitely could: shoshanna.
who is shoshanna, you ask? shoshanna is noone (and i mean noone), but jerry seinfeld's ex-girlfriend. oh, and she thinks she's a clothing designer. oh, and she's a contributing editor to cosmo.
at least they keep her at the back of the mag! just like cramps and pms, every month i can count on being slapped with the cutsie "Shoshanna Says" blurb. but unlike my monthly visit, there's more! some months readers (can you even call us "readers?") are blessed with an extra glimpse into the perfectness that is shoshanna. whether it be additional quotes in features (thank you bitch, may i have another?) or the plug for her "wild and witchy corset" (Off the hook: Fuchsia paisley-print cotton with front fasteners by Shoshanna, $155 - Cosmo, 1/00)
i'm just so glad my subscription is almost up! i hope that if you were in my [$7] shoes (what would her highness think of that??) you wouldn't have a problem receiving a mag and not reading it, but that's bad karma in my book. i know if i meet an early death the real cause of will not be the zookeeper who let the evil monkey out of his cage or the piano winch operator who let go for just a sec to scratch his but...the real cause will be not finishing that fourth dune book.
read these tips now!...or at least before attending your next foray|fete|party (or whatever her buzz word for "party" is this month). you'll thank me for it.
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