They say retarded people are within the happiest 5% of the world. I wouldn't consider myself that happy so that leads me to believe I'm not mentally challenged (is that the cutting edge P.C. term for it these days?), but don't you ever wonder? ...just like the alien scenario...

Do you ever wonder if everyone else is an alien all controlled by one collective consciousness? Whoa...I came up with the Borg idea! Anyhow, I used to worry that everyone was just studying me. Is that crazy, retarded or normal? I have a sneaking suspicion that it's definitely not the latter.

So along those lines I used to also wonder if maybe I was retarded and everyone realized it but me. I gradually grew out of thinking that, but now sometimes I wonder if maybe I used to be retarded and everyone knew but me and now I'm just realizing it. Now what about that: is that crazy, retarded or normal? Or should I never ask that question again?

Maybe all my quirks are just holdovers from my early retarded days...who knows! Take the fact that I get lost every time I leave the house to drive somewhere for the first time (or for the second or third time in many sad cases). Now that I've finally discovered Switchboard I don't get lost as often, but normal people don't get lost at all when they use the comprehensive maps and directions provided by Switchboard. And here I am happy that I just get less lost! That's definitely retarded behavior in my book. And people think it's cute! I guess retards can be cute in a pitiful helpless way, eh?

And it's definitely not normal that I can't play CD's. I've been trying to ease into it, but I just don't feel right about it. I simply cannot trust my own judgement to choose what I should listen to. I need a professional to choose what I hear. Give me radio or give me silence. And crossword puzzles are just as bad. I love crossword puzzles...I'm addicted to crossword puzzles...now that I've started thinking about crossword puzzles I'm feeling nostalgic and can almost smell that fresh newsprint aroma...mmm... But as much as I love them, I'm not sophisticated enough to do them out of a book...I need the spontaneity of the daily paper. That can't be normal. I just wish someone would slip and mention my impediment so I'd know for sure. In the meantime I'll just content myself with being fairly certain I'm a freak.

Of course I'm sorry if I've offended anyone who is so fortunately to know that they're mentally challenged, or anyone who knows someone who is so fortunate.

7/10/97