i love cheese. in fact, there is no food item i would rather eat than cheese. furthermore, there is no food item i can think of that could not be improved by the addition of cheese...and believe me, i've done a lot of thinking about this. this mixing of cheese with the lesser foods is best accomplished with one of the more "mainstream" cheeses, like jack (primarily), cheddar or swiss. but when eating cheese for cheese's sake, mainstreamness should not be taken into consideration.

now think for a minute and discover your favorite cheese. i'm sure there have been countless studies done on this matter, but i offer my own analysis. some people think you can discover a person's true nature by something as silly as their birth date or their name or their iq, but through my research (endorsed by the institute, btw), i have discovered the purest way to tell a person's true nature is by their choice of a favorite cheese.

done deciding? then let's begin:

brie: eew! talk about a pretensious bastard. i don't think i even have to say any more about brie-eaters, other than: put on your damn beret, and get the hell out of here!

cheddar: cheddar is a yummy and happy cheese, but it is not fitting to be chosen as a favorite cheese. well, it is fitting, but it does not mark one for greatness. but the world has always been and will always be full of simpletons, so at least this makes for a quick way of identifying them.

colby jack: this is an interesting choice. colby jack is often overlooked at the grocery store, so i really can't imagine that anyone considers it their favorite, but it obviously a colorful and strong-minded independent person who would sway this way. this behavior has probably cost the colby jackass more than a few friends, but those friends who are left are true friends (and probably opt for mainstream cheeses and bend to the will of the colby jackass).

feta: feta is far from a cheese that can mate with any other food...but as a non-versatile cheese, it is a terrific decision as hero cheese and marks an admirable person. the only flaw suggested by the choice of such a robust and independent cheese is that the chooser has erringly pled allegiance to a dairy product other than cheese. if this rogue dairy product is ice cream, this mildly misled person can only hope to find true happiness if united with someone selecting a more appropriate cheese-of-choice, such as munster, gouda or maybe colby jack.

gouda: talk about a flair for the exotic. gouda lovers are diplomatic and to be trusted, though they may seem shifty and be prone to skipping town on a whim. the mates and friends of gouda lovers will never know what goes on in the heads of their goudarians and this runs the risk of causing unrest...unless they are gouda lovers themselves. or else they are best matched with cheddar lovers since they're so dull they won't mind the secret inner world they will never be privy to.

laughing cow cheese: kudos if you don't know what laughing cow cheese is. if it's your favorite cheese: you suck. 'nuff said.

limburger: stinky cheese! yuck! i can't believe that any limburger lovers would own computers...much less have internet connections. but you never know. nasty smelly people like that can be have a few tricks up their smelly sleeves, but i'd rather not know about them.

monterey jack: monterey jack is the most versatile cheese. i can imagine eating it with anything: any fruit, any vegetable, any starch, any other dairy product, chocolate, any condiment, etc... if this is one's reason for choosing mj as the be-all-end-all of cheeses, hooray. and if it is for any other reason, i guess that's ok as well, but not quite as cool. these people will live long and virtuous lives and few hardships and a hunk of cheese at every turn. their grandchildren will all love them, but won't understand the obssession with cheese.

munster: now this is the choice of an interesting and intelligent creature, possessed of charming wit and a resourcefulness suggestive of a blood-tie to Martha Stewart, yet with none of her underlying evil. at the same time, the munster-lover embodies a healthy dose of stubbornness and competitiveness which is on occasion (incorrectly) mistaken as a failing by non-munsterians.

provolone: provolone-idolatry is the mark of a person not to be trusted. provolone is usually the most exotic cheese offered at the average deli and i give props to anyone making it their deli cheese of choice, but that is all it deserves. the jackal who elevates its status to favorite cheese is obviously hiding something, be it a tendancy to back-stab or just a general evilness is inconclusive.

swiss: i like swiss occasionally, but when i think "could i ever think of swiss as the best cheese in the world?" all i can picture is how sweaty it gets when it starts to melt. yuck. furthermore, there is so much less cps (cheese per slice) with swiss than all the non-holed varieties. what kind of cheese lover is this?

sorry if i didn't get to your cheese. maybe i'll add more analyses when time permits.

7/99