I've got a confession to make.

Who isn't hiding something? Everyone in this world hides things...not necessarily from everyone, but sometimes just from mainstream humanity - some intentional, some not. And who but humanity makes it necessary for the average person want to hide certain things!

So what's better: to conform to the standards set by society and fit in or to be oneself regardless of whose figurative fashionable toes you might step on or the wall you may build between yourself and your peers. Of course these days there is a support group or a network for anything you can dream up and want to join or start, but you're still distancing yourself from the beautiful people if you stray from the beaten path.

I made the decision to take an alternative route through life at a time in my life when it really didn't feel like such a big decision. I was only thirteen at the time and though one is tirelessly trying to fit in at the awful age of thirteen, it's more a matter of fitting in with one's peers than fitting in with The Joneses. And anything that doesn't go against fitting in with your peers and does contribute to rebelling against The Joneses is even better!

And then when I got to college all of a sudden it was IN and everyone was doing it and proud of it. So of course I didn't notice that I was digging a deep deep grave for myself. After a year of fitting in with my peers suddenly my quirk fell out of the limelight and I was more alone than ever in my battle. But it didn't matter just yet because it's really hard not to fit in enough that it bugs you when you're in college and busy as hell. Then hanging around the college in the guise of staff for a few years kept me from feeling like I was "in the Real World" so of course my oddity didn't come to light.

But now, struggling to be truly independent for the first time and dealing with getting so old with not near enough to show for it...fitting in started to feel a little more important. It was time to drop the silly teenage habit - or at least to pretend to drop it. Shove it back in the closet, so to speak...no not "The" closet, just the closet. I'm not talking about that - I'm talking about vegetarianism. A lot of people don't realize that if you're a vegetarian you're treated differently. I didn't want to be treated differently so I became a closet vegetarian. And it was not easy!

I started with a bang and told people who knew me as a vegetarian that I had changed my ways and rejoined the ranks of the meat-eaters. I even sent email to The Vegetarian Pages to ask them to take me off their guest book (no, I'm not one to sign guestbooks! It was three years ago when I was dumb[er]). I thought I'd get a nasty response since in my email I stated I was no longer a veggie...you know how those vegetarians are. But I got nothing back and when I checked back my name was off the list! I aquired a new outlook - it was great! And only when subjected to heavy probing did the truth come out. I started with: well, I don't really feel like eating meat today. Then: well, it's been a while since I've eaten meat, but I'm no vegetarian ha ha ha. And finally: how long? Uh, well it's been uh...twelve years (cough cough)...but it's just a coincidence...not a habit or anything.

Obviously that didn't work. So I guess I'm a vegetarian again, but reluctantly so. I just hate all the stigma attached to it! So my car's got a leather interior! I never ever claimed to be an animal rights activist! And no, that doesn't mean I'm pro-leather, I just really wanted a Saturn and the stock interior was butt-ugly. That "well all the cows used died in childbirth" line is getting a little old, ya know? You have to admit that a lot of vegetarians give us a bad name. I mean listen to this guy: "We still have time to save the world, but we must seize the day." Talk about a boring sounding guy. I don't want to be mistaken for someone like that and I don't want to be expected to know all this data that alot of vegetarians love to throw out given half a chance. Meat-eaters in general are much more amusing. I want to be one of them! Of course there are plenty of people I respect who are vegetarians, but that doesn't make my struggle any easier!

I guess I'm still not decided about all this. For the life of me I can't explain why I'm a vegetarian. I guess I just did it originally to see if I could. For months I used to say, "When I start eating meat again the first thing I'm going to have is a Big Mac! Mmmmm." But it just stayed easy enough to keep doing. A bad habit I haven't had the sense to drop, perhaps. There are definitely some benefits, though. I love being able to go to a restaurant and only have two choices from the menu. I've a very reluctant decision-maker so reducing my choices by 80% is definitely a bonus. Unless, say, the restaurant happens to be a seafood or steak place and that choice is narrowed down to one - and it's salad. That rarely happens, though.

I don't know if I'll ever eat meat again, but I don't really consider it an issue. I'll eventually be able to accept what I am. At least now I know that hiding from the truth isn't the way to acceptance!

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