the rise and fall of a fag hag
This is a little belated as it's taken me a year to admit that the ride is over. The actual rise and fall occurred during mid-December last year. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that this was my first holiday without a boyfriend in five years...or maybe it was just due to el nino or global warming. Who knows? All I know is that I've never been fancy enough, let alone pretty enough, to attract the attention of gay boys.
Ascent #1: N's Christmas party
The difference: fancy green top with feather fronds thingies at the collar and sleeves, makeup and hair "all glammed up." Met my friend's roommate and learned that touchy outfits are *good* for making gay friends. Even drunk off my ass I felt like I was in another world solely because I was, for the first time ever, the center of this rad gay boy's universe for one night. Never have I felt so pretty and funny! Wrote it off as a fluke.
Ascent #2: The office Christmas party 2000
The difference: fuzzy red top, stick-on jewelry, makeup and hair so nice I'm "unrecognizable." Almost immediately taken under the wing of my coworker pal and his date ("no, we're not together") who decided since there were no boys cute enough for them at the party, it was their Purpose In Life that night to find someone for me as I was the only person worth being with at the party. Again, felt pretty and funny. Again, wrote it off as a fluke.
Two hours later: finally shook the two boys and ran into another coworker. "Hey, how's it going? Is your wife here with you? I've never met her, but I notice you're married." "Actually, it's my husband. Come meet him!" Oh boy. Second verse same as the first.
Descent #1: E&A's Christmas party
By this point I'd happily accepted my new position in life. Of course happy acceptance came after a lot of whining and bitter resignation ("Wah wah wah. Why can't I meet a straight boy for a change??"). I knew it was a major fag hag faux paux to do this, but I worse the feathery green shirt again. I only own so many holiday items! I think this is probably what sealed my fate. There must have been gay boys at this party, but I didn't see a one. In fact, I kissed a straight boy! Although, it was on the cheek, it was under the mistletoe, and he was Canadian so it doesn't count for any of those three reasons.
Descent #2: E's Christmas party
Didn't recycle a holiday outfit, but I went to the party on the spur of the moment. Saw couple #2 from the office Christmas party and fell off my high horse: "Oh, I didn't recognize you. Did you come here straight from work or something?" Ouch.
Follow-up #1: The Hollywood Hills party
Tonight was to he a definitive test: fag hag or no. We rushed to a party in the Hollywood Hills (actually, more like on the way to the Hollywood Hills) to get there before Jack from Will and Grace left. Unfortunately we missed Jack, but the party was still in full swing. And I got my answer. Other than the cutie mixing drinks calling me "Madonna: Blonde Ambition" I got no play. Harrumph.
Follow-up #2: The office Christmas party 2001
OK, not to toot my own hair, but I looked fucking good this year. And again, I unrecognizable (by the same people as last year). Ran into couple #1 (yeah, yeah, they're not a "couple couple," they're just a "couple"). I got a quick hello, but that was it! Saw couple #2 and they didn't even notice me!
The moral
I haven't thought of what the moral to this whole saga is yet. I guess fag hagdom can be fleeting for anyone, even if you don't deserve it. And if it befalls you, embrace it rather than whine about it because it will be gone before you know it! Kind of like a small scoop of ice cream.