The Gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note......romantic but not to personal.

Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

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A series of REAL notices spotted around the world

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
  • English well speaking
  • Here speeching American.
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Men And Women Are Not Alike

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults with the exception of a teen magazine vocabulary.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.

The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Women's magazines have sexy women on the cover.

Men's magazines have sexy women on the cover.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than a clown car. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

WORK SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

OTHER SHOES:

Women have millions of shoes, one for every outfit.

Men have millions of shoes, one for every sport or athletic activity.

CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Women look into mirrors for hours arranging makeup and doing a million things to their hair only to decide they are having a bad hair day.

Men look into the mirror before they go out for no apparent reason.

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when the entire 3rd floor of the research lab blows up but the terminator drives out in "Terminator II".

In general, women like movies with more romance than competition and violence (which they call "Male Testosterone Movies"). Men like movies with more competition and violence than romance (which they call "Chick Flicks").

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS:

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony," what everyone wore, and who cried the most.

Men try and change the subject.

CHEERLEADERS:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut below the ankles, have pictures of teddy bears or hearts on them, and are most likely pink.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, computer programs that do useless things very fast, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

HAIRCUTS:

For men haircuts are a short and simple process: make an appointment, go in, come out with your hair slightly shorter.

For women the process is much more complicated. First, numerous hair styles, colorings and lengths must be considered. The only hairstylist in the world they trust must be reserved. The whole process is filled with excitement and worry. And finally she hides from the world for several days because she is not sure if she likes her new haircut.

SPORTS:

Women like sports that are judged on grace and beauty, such as gymnastics and figure skating.

Men like sports that are judged on physical aggression and violence, such as football, hockey and boxing.

There are no sports that both men and women enjoy. Full contact gymnastics never got off the ground.


Forwarded on the internet from ???
Edited and additions by Eric Watson (whoever that is)

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Employee Bulletin

To All Employees:

It has been brought to the attention of Management that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

The Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the Management has compiled the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue to flow.

Old PhraseNew Phrase
No Fucking Way!I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've got to be shitting me.Really!
Tell someone who gives a fuck.Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck.Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem.I wasn't involved in that project.
What the fuck?Interesting behavior.
Fuck it, it won't work.I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?I'll try to schedule that sooner?
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares?Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass.He's not familiar with this problem.
Eat Shit.You don't say.
Eat shit and die.Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, MotherfuckerExcuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life?They weren't happy with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary.I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass.I don't think you understand.
This job sucks.I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss?You want me to take care of this?
Blow me.I see.
Blow yourself.Do you see?
Another fucking meeting.Yes, I think we should discuss this
I really don't give a shit.I don't think it'll be a problem.
Fuck You.How nice. How very nice.

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Stressful Tech Call

SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild "luck", they managed to catch the following conversation on tape.

Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official... from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly calmly described the problem.

It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock, and they had already been killed.

So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh, but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a "back door" to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents?

All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program.

As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they'd be better off trying to physically destroy the lock.

The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces.

O.K., so they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a fashion. But it does place, "I can't see my Microsoft Mail server" complaints in a different sort of perspective, does it not?

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The Czech / My Token Lawyer Jokes

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

And...

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in am whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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1994's Most Bizarre Suicide

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

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A little old lady...

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the Chase Manhattan bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that this was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to about $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance??" he asked. "No" she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she stated.

"You bet?" said the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square." That bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances--there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference--he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day--how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that the man was her lawyer and that she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be allowed to see for herself. The bank president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough every was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "Whats wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan bank by the balls.

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85 Rules and Instructions on Being a Man

  1. Don't call. EVER
  2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself
  3. Lie
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault
  9. Lie
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1
  18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everthing. Everything
  21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know
  22. Don't have a clue
  23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it
  24. No means yes
  25. Yes means no
  26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules
  27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations
  28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship
  29. Feelings? What feelings?
  30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass
  31. Lie I tell you!!
  32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
  33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist
  34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%)
  35. Lie
  36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it
  37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it
  38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle
  39. Lie
  40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it
  41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't
  42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color
  43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you
  44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions
  45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc
  46. Lie
  47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know
  48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know
  49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction
  50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity
  51. You are male, therefore you are superior
  52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out
  53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you
  54. Don't ever notice anything
  55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her
  56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality
  57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality
  58. Lie
  59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong
  60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
  61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know"
  62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away
  63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU
  64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic
  65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills
  66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily
  67. Lie
  68. If anyone asks you for a favor:
    1. make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it,
    2. remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life
  69. 69
  70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
  71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend
  72. Lie
  73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in
  74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story)
  75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship
  76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top
  77. Default facial expression: blank stare
  78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass
  79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things
  80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies
  81. Beer. Then more beer
  82. One word: FOOTBALL!
  83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
  84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity
  85. LIE
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Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny's teacher asked him the following math question:

If there are five birds in a tree and a hunter comes along and shoots one, how many are left.

Little Johnny: None.

Teacher: How did you come up with that answer?

Little Johnny: The sound of the gun will cause the other birds to fly away.

Teacher: Well, thats the wrong answer, but I like the way you think.

Little Johnny: I have a question for you. Three women are sitting on a park bench with popsicles. One is eating one, one is sucking one, and one is licking one. Which of the three women is married?

Teacher (taking a guess): The one sucking the popsicle.

Little Johnny: No, the one wearing the wedding ring....but I like the way you think.

Little Johnny's History Teacher was quizing the class about Black History. A correct answer would win the student a pass out of class for the rest of the day.

"Who invented penicillin," she asked first.
"George Washington Carver," said little tyrone in the front row.
"Very good, you may take the rest of the day off," she said.
"No, I want to stay in school and learn more," said little tyrone.

"OK, Who said, 'I have a Dream,'" she asked.
Again, tyrone raised his hand, "Martin Luther King"
"Very good, you are excused"
"No, I want to stay in school and learn more," said little tyrone

From the back of the room, little johnny hissed "Shut up you fuckin nigger!"
"WHO SAID THAT," the teacher demanded.
"Mark Furman," said little johnny, "See you tommorrow!!!!"

Teacher explained the use of the word PERHAPS and asked her class of little bastards to use it in a sentence.

Jimmy stood up and said "If we are all good perhaps teacher will let us go home early."

She asked little Johnny if he could do one and he said
"Please, Miss, does it have to be made up?"

Teacher said it didn't have to be made up, it could be true, as long as it contained the word perhaps.

So Johnny said "When I saw Teacher and the music teacher taking their pants off in the music room I thought perhaps they are going to shit in the piano."

Little Johnny was spending the week with his grandparents. One morning his grandfather saw him sitting at the bottom of the back steps,all bent over and playing in the dirt. He walked over to him and asked what he was doing.

Johnny replied "I'm trying to push this worm back into the ground!"

Grandfather watched for a few more minutes and before he left he said "Johnny, if you figure out a way to stick that worm back into the ground I'll give you a dollar."

Johnny thought and thought and went into the kitchen, got a can of spray starch, sprayed the worm until it was so stiff he could stick it back into the ground.

He called his grandfather over to show him that he solved the problem. His grandfather was delighted and gave him $1.

The next morning Johnny was sitting on the back steps when his grandfather walked up to him and gave him $5. Johnny asked why he gave him $5 and grandpa said "The $1 was from me - the $5 is from your grandmother!

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Short(er) Jokes

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school, in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.

"I saw you kick those animals", his mother said, "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

Why do ducks have such big feet?
To stamp out campfires.

Why do elephants have such big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

A guy comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend packing her suitcase.

"What are you doing?!" he asks.
"I'm leaving you!" she says.
"But why?" he asks.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she says.
He says, "Oooooo!! Big word for a twelve-year-old!!"

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?
Because Oct31 = Dec25

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench.
A guy in a raincoat walked by and flashed them.
The first little old lady had a stroke,
the second little old lady had a stroke,
but the third little old lady's arm was too short to reach!

What's the state bird of New York?

The middle finger

Five penises (penii?) walk into a bar....

The bartender says: "You've got a lot of balls coming in here!"

A seeing eye dog pisses on it's owner. Noticing him giving the dog a biscuit, a lady asks why he's rewarding the dog.

"Hell, I'm trying to locate his head, so I can kick him in the ass!"

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Actual Newspaper Headlines

Some become unintentionally suggestive: Grammar often botches other headlines: Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended: Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
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