As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out...

... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children.
All were singing Happy Birthday.

... and there on the couch I sat...
... with nothing on but my socks...

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down form the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring

The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.

"He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis.

While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.

Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler.

"Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."

Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK

You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE

A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE

One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY

Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME

Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK

Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.

"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

Carlsbad Caverns National Park

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Denali National Park

What time do you feed the bears?

What time do they let the animals out in the park?

What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?

Can you show me where yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Everglades National Park

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Grand Canyon National Park

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

Why did the Indians only build ruins?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

Is the mule train air conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Yosemite National Park

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Mesa Verde National Park

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Yellowstone National Park

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Why didn't they build Old Faithful closer to the road?

Zion National Park

What is your best parking area?

Mount Rainier National Park

Where's the road to the summit?

Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore

Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?

Wildlife stories

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.

.... putting our loved ones at risk for a photo

In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for treatment.

.... watching for falling rocks

A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to protect it from bears.

.... requesting assistance

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

... caring for the creatures

A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging trucks.

.... asking for directions

Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman drove up and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue 1,000 miles further to Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw them." Stone and the woman went round and round several times before she left, insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with the information she wanted.

.... back-seat driving, as always

When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the backseat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat so that investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel.

.... all tuckered out from our day hikes

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up." The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said, "her phone battery died."

... taking mementos home with us

Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings not to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum fine of $275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis, were observed hiding wood in their garments. Another time, rangers received a report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My four-year-old son must have put it in there," the man said.

.... ever alert to terrorism

A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance--pancake flour--was strewn about the car." They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints," the ranger said.

... ignoring the sage advice of rangers

A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No Swimming - Danger - Alligators." She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. "Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. "Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me."

Try this line: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers, having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways.

He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations. Or LIAR, for short.

LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise, Thornton explained last week.

To describe a person who is totally inept: I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.

To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.

To describe a person with lackluster credentials: All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.

Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation.

In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

When the writer uses LIAR, however, whether perceived correctly or not by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof, Thornton said.

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

If IBM made toasters...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...

You could toast one-sided or double-sided.

Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.

The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...

They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...

Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...

They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...

You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...

You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters...

They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.

Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents.

The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters...

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters...

They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

Kashima University has expelled four medical students for pelting other students with human brains.

School officials say the three men and one woman were dissecting cadavers in the science laboratory when one of the males removed part of a cerebral cortex from a corpse's skull and threw it at one of the other medical students.

Within minutes a "brain fight" had broken out.

The students then reportedly opened the windows of the second-floor lab and began throwing the brains down on unwitting passersby on the street below. One girl was hit in the face and required treatment at the university's emergency room.

School security officers say they're fairly certain that more people were involved in the brain-throwing but only four were witnessed.

The expelled students said they didn't plan the brain fight. One of them said, "It just sort of happened." He blamed the odd behavior on the pressure of constant study and lack of sleep.

"We just had to let off some steam," admitted Akayo Hanyu, 19. "I guess things got a little out of hand." But Dean Shiuro Tatsuno refuses to budge on his decision to expel the students. "We realize that our medical students are under pressure," said Dean Tatsuno.

"But we expect our future doctors and nurses to conduct themselves like ladies and gentlemen at all times."

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."

Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.

Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist gospel choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out into raucous, joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's accomplishment.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village." The Bantu tribesmen are members of an ever-growing, international community of users who have turned to IBM to solve their networking needs.

Jean-Claude DuMont, a goat herder from the French region of Brittany who is working on an Indiana University Ph.D. in biology via internet, recently looked into IBM's new computer-satellite data uplink which offers instant access to all library files worldwide. "With IBM's new uplink service, I can access any file I want, any time I want," DuMont told fellow goat herder Pierre Valmont during a recent walk through a rye field. "I can even find out how many points Michael Jordan scored last night." Responded Valmont: "Radical."

Jul. 12--When an operator asks you to choose a long-distance company for a collect call, answering "I don't care," doesn't mean what you probably think it means.

It does not mean, "It doesn't matter to me. Please put me through with the biggest or cheapest company."

Your answer actually means, "Please hook me up with a little-known long- distance company called I Don't Care. I am willing to pay $7.64 for a three- minute call from Houston to Dallas, even though AT&T charges $4.63 for the same call."

I Don't Care has two sister companies. One is called I Don't Know. The other is It Doesn't Matter. All three charge 65 percent more than AT&T for the Houston-to-Dallas call.

Although this may sound like a modern-day Abbott and Costello routine, it's actually the latest wrinkle in telephone deregulation.

I Don't Care, I Don't Know and It Doesn't Matter are subsidiaries of a Fort Worth company called KT&T Communications, one of 850 long distance companies registered with the state of Texas.

KT&T -- which sounds amazingly like its bigger rival, AT&T -- is run by Dennis Dees, a 38-year-old Texan who has run small long-distance companies since 1984. Last year, Dees and his business partner sat down and tried to figure out some innovative names for their business.

A little research showed about 3 percent of the people who make collect calls don't specify a long-distance carrier. They tell the operator "I don't care" or "It doesn't matter." Only a few people ever say "I don't know," but Dees also registered that name, just in case a rival tried to cut in on his name game. He registered all three names with the Texas Public Utility Commission in September.

"We tried to do it sooner, but Southwestern Bell held us up because the names are so unusual," Dees said from his office in Fort Worth. "They tried to come up with a reason not to let us use these names, but they couldn't think of anything."

I Don't Care, I Don't Know and It Doesn't Matter only do business in Texas, but Dees is looking to expand into California and Florida.

Dees steadfastly denies there is anything dishonest or misleading about his business practices.

"Anyone who tells an operator, 'I don't care,' we make it very clear who we are and what we are doing," Dees said.

A collect call made to Dallas appeared to verify his claim.

"I do have a carrier called I Don't Care," an AT&T operator warned. "Is that the company you want?"

After being told that I Don't Care would do just fine, she patched the call through.

"I Don't Care!" another operator answered chirpily. "What number are you calling?"

After placing the call, the operator signed off: "Thanks for using I Don't Care."

Dees defended his company's rates, saying they are not the highest charged in Texas. There is a company called DNSI that charges $9.70 for the same Houston-to-Dallas operator assisted call.

KT&T charges more than AT&T, he said, because the little Texas company uses human operators instead of automatic computers. Also, the little company has higher expenses per call because of its size.

Customers who complain about the higher charges are given a rebate, Dees said.

Not everyone is convinced that I Don't Care, I Don't Know and It Doesn't Matter are shooting straight with consumers. The Fort Worth chapter of the Better Business Bureau has opened an inquiry into the company and its practices.

I Don't Care, I Don't Know and It Doesn't Matter should tell consumers up front they charge more than AT&T, said John Riggins, president of the BBB's chapter in Fort Worth. But Riggins admitted his office has received no complaints about Dees and his companies.

Likewise, the Texas PUC has received no complaints about the long-distance carriers. The PUC does not regulate long-distance rates, so the best it can do is warn Texans to be careful.

"It's real important for people to monitor their charges," said PUC spokeswoman Ann Roussos. "In the age of competition, it's extremely important for customers to find out about the products and services they're using."

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.